Hello, I am basically a gal who loves God, her family and of course her dear dear Clark. Hmm not to forget my friends too! Currently in the process of finding out what she really wants to do for her life and prays that everyday is a good day with all her loved ones. :)

Time: 5:51pm @ Dear's house on Sat evening

Time flies and its the second day of weekend.
Always look forward and work towards weekend.
5 weeks of this term has passed and 5 more weeks to go to end this term.
Am a little nervous about my SS role for chemistry.
Really pray hard that everything goes well on that day.
and the report and everything will go well.

I am inspired to record here because virtually every space is not quite 'safe' for me to post anything.
Honestly I am not so sure if this space is safe as well but I guess I will just take my chance.
I got inspired to come back to this space because of an article I chance upon from another person's sharing.
I have read many articles on mother's role before but this one reasonates the most with me.

Truth is I was not prepared for motherhood at all. Not a single bit.
I always knew I wanted a child after getting married and by God's grace we have Jerome 5 months into the marriage.
Though I am a young teacher I was given opportunities and was regarded fairly well for my performance.
I was able to serve God on a regular basis and thankfully I don't face much politics in my workplace.

After having a good 4 months of maternity leave, I went back to my workplace. Based on my past performance I was given good roles to perform. I worked very hard to fulfill the requirements. Unlike the past where I could devote my time to work in a nice cafe during weekends and work at home in the weekdays, I just simply do not have the time now. I could only start working after 10pm and this in including reaching back home late after many meetings about the event. I worked hard to plan the lessons for my students as well as I believe that they should not be shortchange (though sometimes it can be quite disheartening that they are not responsive to your lesson plans and do not revise at home).

The events went well and though I truly acknowledge some of my weaknesses I was really proud that I had pull it through and did a good work. It was also during this period of time that I witnessed and experienced my first taste of politics and what I personally felt harsh treatment of one of my weakness.

I also felt sad about choosing to leave a role that I had work hard for 2 to 3 years and got familiar with to take on a new role in the midst of many other new responsibilities due to one of my colleague going on unpaid leave. On hindsight I wished I had the courage to say no to taking up this role. I had been afraid of being seen as uncooperative should I reject it. But experience now taught me that if I do not take on this role well I would also be seen as placing too many things on my plate.

In that article titled 'A mother's ambitions' by Yael Chatav Schonbrun, there were many paragraphs that strike a chord in my heart. Especially these

when my productivity didn’t go back to where it had been pre-baby,

But I felt like a constant disappointment. I felt the ever present pressure of needing to be writing a new grant or paper, needing to keep up on the literature. And I hated knowing that my mentors and colleagues were not terribly impressed with me anymore.

The real problem, however, is me. I certainly wish that I didn’t still feel like a postdoctoral fellow, salary-wise, after the ridiculous number of years of school I’ve completed, and I wish that my house and lifestyle weren’t so much smaller and simpler than those of my close friends who stayed on competitive career tracks. More painful, though, is sitting in on a research meeting, listening to my colleagues bounce around new project ideas and talk about complex data analytics or new methods of biological verification of substance use that can be incorporated into grant applications. Where I used to feel like a member of the group, and a leader on some projects, I now feel a half step behind.

I am still proud of what I have done honestly but I can't deny that sometimes I feel small from the comments of others. I know they are not the fairest assessment and there are a lot of politics involved. I am also still feeling the fatigue from my Semester one work. The pride that I had from my earlier days was literally crushed from my work review sessions with my RO.

I am still evaluating my career. Just two days ago, there was one KP who said if you coordinate this well you would score as a FT.

I don't mind learning and I don't mind being corrected (though at times it hurt) but really do I coordinate this for the welfare of my students or to score well in the ranking?

The ranking system sucks really. I hardly use this word really but it best describes what I feel. Many things became assessment rather than developmental. Having programs so that it will look good on your portfolio. colleagues turning against one another and people saying many nice words on the front but doing another thing at the back (hypocritical).

As I struggled through finding courage and my purpose in this field I had no regret in my choice. Not a single bit. It's tough really it is. but I would go through it willingly for my family.

But could it be possible that greatness can also mean finding ways to increase the amount of happiness in the world, even if that work happens on a tiny stage that can be seen and applauded by few, except perhaps by a pudgy 1-year-old and a chatty 4-year-old? Right or wrong, I tell myself that it is.

I take pride and the greatest pride when my son runs over and hugs me every single day. 

God makes a way for me I pray.